I recently read some clickbait nonsense on Buzzfeed. It was so provocatively titled that it reminded me of those appalling articles that are consistently recycled in women’s magazines, promising the reader the priceless secrets to “younger looking skin”, “endless love”, “indestructible self-confidence” and “mind-blowing sex.”
This particular title offered “25 suit hacks that will make any man look instantly sexy.”
Yes, I added the emphasis. I did so because the promise is not only wildly optimistic, it’s also inaccurate and utterly misleading. Further investigation of these hacks also reveals that they are not, for the most part, ‘hacks’ – which are meant to be lesser-known, efficiency-gaining strategies and peculiar techniques – but simply playschool guidance on how to put on clothes properly.
“Oh for crying out loud” I hear you yawn, “It’s Buzzfeed, man!”
That it may be, but in my view, it’s posts like these that infest social media and propagate so-called ‘knowledge’ in place of genuine advice that is less about ‘hacking’, flattery and overpromising and more about how one might work within the constraints of what is real, what is possible and what is not.
Besides, a lot of the advice is just plain wrong.
Exhibit A is Suit Hack 5; “Pinstripes on a suit should be subtle, unless you are going for the Halloween mobster look.”
Right. I imagine Michael Brown (pictured above) from Chittleborough & Morgan only wears his in late October anyway.
Exhibit B is the recommendation of Windsor knots (vile) and Exhibit C is recommending that braces be considered “if you don’t feel like wearing a belt” – and not the other way around.
However, the big problem with this shopping list of ‘hacks’ is that it has nothing to do with making ‘any’ man ‘instantly’ sexier; just how is precisely measuring the width of the tie to match the width of the lapel sexy?
Sexiness is a state of mind, but it’s also a state of body. To a much smaller extent, it’s a state of dress. It’s unfortunate, but if you don’t feel sexy, a suit isn’t going to magically change you, no matter how expensive and skilled a tailor you visit.
And dispensing advice regarding age-old customs of wearing tailoring – buttoning traditions, sleeve length, lapel width – is going to help even less.
For one thing, suits aren’t designed to be sexy. I remember a delicious comment by a fellow subject of the book I Am Dandy, Sean Crowley that decried how everything now was about ‘sexing’ things up. As a fan of traditional, interwar menswear – particularly heavy tweed suits – Sean is determined to keep his wardrobe ‘unsexy.’
However, it is possible to look sexy in a suit, it just has a lot less to do with the fusty customs of formal menswear.
Your body fills your suit – so keep it close to a size and shape you admire
It’s really very simple. If you want to look sexier in a suit, the first step is getting in shape. A suit isn’t a pair of Spanx, it’s not going to hide very much. If you don’t feel sexy out of a suit, chances are you won’t feel sexy in it. It’s possible, even probable, that you look sexier than you feel, but at the end of the day, suits look far better on a healthy man who is in fine physical fettle. It’s hard work, not a hack. Don’t expect miracles.
Go shopping with a girl (or man) who doesn’t find you attractive
This is more of a hack, but it actually works. If you’re clueless about clothing, and want to try on some suits that make you look better in front of someone you find attractive, take out a friend (not a partner) who has no emotional stake in your comfort and happiness beyond friendly familiarity. They’ll be honest with you. It helps if they are a bit of a dresser themselves or they like sharply dressed men. The main thing is that they will not be advising on the minutiae and technical side of the suit but the impression and image it creates; this is where you will find sexiness.
Go sockless in the summertime
Socks are about as sexy as a typewriter. They’re practically unavoidable in the chillier months, but you really don’t need to wear them when it’s 30 degrees outside, even with a suit. If you ensure your summer suits have tapered trousers and finish above your shoes (preferably loafers) with no break, a glimpse of tanned ankle strongly conveys sexuality; it looks breezy and confident and removes any element of stiffness that the suit may create.
Slim trousers and slimmer, shorter jackets
There’s a reason why Tom Ford wants Daniel Craig to hulk out of his suits. Full length suit jackets and wide-leg trousers might be elegant and traditional but they hide almost every element of sexual appeal. If you are attempting to convey greater sexuality with your outfit, go for a slightly tighter fit around the waist, shoulders and legs.
Make sure this isn’t laughably slim; Craig’s jackets are perilously close to looking absurd, so ensure that you can breathe and button the top button without much trouble. Slim down the sleeves if you can, too and wear softer shoulders; they look much more sensual than heavily padded ones.
When the jacket is slightly shorter, you look a bit taller and, some say, younger. Just make sure that your rump is sufficiently covered.
The trouser seat should be comfortable, but try not to go for the whole two-pleat, big-top balloon; slim trousers show your leg shape, which connects the look to your body.
Avoid too much frill
This is tricky to describe, but essentially it’s about crafting a look that is elegant but not overly frilly. I have often experimented in the past with interestingly tied silk scarves, very puffy pocket squares or fussy colour and pattern combinations but this tends to distract from the most obvious window of sexuality: your face. As soon as it starts to look like a bit of a costume, clownishness starts to creep in and you might as well be wearing a big red wig; you may appear ‘cute’ or even, dare I say it, ‘adorable’ but never sexy.